This time, I’m just gonna get right into it. I’m not going to introduce this post with any cutesy little anecdotes or words of wisdom, except to say that when it comes to sex and dating/relationships, I’ve had one-night stands, two-night stands, week long fuck-fests, short-tem quasi-committed relationships, long term committed relationships, and damn near everything in between. In general, the proper timing of the first coitus with a new partner is an issue of widespread concern among women. However, specifically, the question usually centers around the legendary 90-day rule and raised by women usually seeking to circumvent the rule.
In case you’ve been living under a rock, the 90-day rule simply states, if you hope to have a meaningful relationship with a man, do not have sex with him for 90-days. It’s endorsed frequently by both well-renowned and self-avowed dating & relationship experts. The reason why I’m bringing you this post today and in a format different from how I originally intended to address this issue is because I came across a blog post from another blog today that really boiled my blood, so I decided to speak on it and give you women a little more clarity on the issue just in case you needed any.
The question, which went something like this…
I recently finished Steve Harvey’s book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, he had some really amazing things to say in his book, however, I want to know if it’s really necessary to wait 90 days before you take it to the next level?
…was answered by blogger, Panama Jackson of vsb:
I don’t think it matters when you have sex with a guy as long as the vibe is right. You can tell really early on if somebody you’re dealing with is going to be a one night stand or if a next-day conversation is going to be imminent. Waiting for 90 days does nothing more than build up the sexual tension amongst two people who are genuinely digging each other. If a guy is only interested in you for sex, it won’t matter if you wait 90 days or 270 days, he will still only want you for that purpose. On the other hand, if a guy is really feeling you, sex on day 3 or day 76 won’t change how he feels either. Catch a vibe and ride the wave. Do what you feel.
I’m sorry to say (actually, i’m not) that although both gentlemen make good points and strong observations, neither one is correct.
First, a disclaimer. Before I go shooting down anyone’s advice as wrong, or stupid, or completely off-base, let me disclose that (1) I haven’t read all of Steve Harvey’s book, only bits and pieces, and (2) I don’t regularly visit VSB. I said all that to say, there could very well be a better answer buried somewhere within these two sources which I am unaware of, so they may or may not be correct when you put the information they’re presenting in its full context. Okay? Let me get that out there first. Second, I have three very important philosophies when it comes to giving advice and generally doing whatever it is I do here and they are:
(1) I am not interested in logging hours in the middle of any moral, ethical, or philosophical debate about anything. When it comes to men, women, and dating, discussing abstract ideas which have no real world application is pointless. In other words, I’m not at all interested in giving you my opinion of what’s right and what’s wrong–that’s a waste of time. I’m more interested in giving you something that WORKS.
(2) Any advice you can’t use is useless. Thus, I’m not in the business of giving people advice they can’t use.
(3) Last, I think it was Sapphire (author of “Push”) who said: never take anything away from someone if you cannot put something else in its place.
With that said, I’m going to try to address each man’s point and discuss where I feel each of these gentlemen is wrong . Next, I’ll give you something that I think is more effective than the 90-day rule.
Steve and the 90-day Rule
When it comes to dating, there’s really no such thing as precision. No arbitrary time-line like three months or 90-days is going to give you any real insight into anything pertaining to your relationship. Relationships vary and their pace usually depends on the two people involved and sometimes events outside of their control. It’s not about arbitrary rules, it’s about actions. You can date a man for 90 days and he can be a total fraud for that entire period of time. Also, like PJ said, guys can tell pretty early on if the person they’re dealing with is going to be a one night stand or something more. If a guy is only interested in getting sex from you, no rule is going to change that. This renders the 90-day rule virtually useless. However…
PJ’s Advice
Although PJ makes some very good points when it comes to men and their agenda with respect to when is it an appropriate time to have sex with a woman, the 90-day rule is not entirely without any merit. Presumably, whoever it was that came up with the concept of the 90-day rule obviously made some pretty astute observations about dating, one of them being if you hope to have a meaningful relationship with a man, it’s important that you build a solid foundation for the relationship first before you incorporate sex. Why? So many reasons. The first is that women become emotionally attached to men after the act and it can become increasingly difficult for a woman to see things objectively once she’s given up the goods. Second, men like the chase. Once you’ve removed that obstacle (getting the drawers) early on in the relationship, the man may either become uninterested or complacent, both of which can really frustrate the woman’s goals of becoming a long-term partner. If a woman has sex with a man within 3 days as opposed to 76 days, regardless of what PJ says, it makes a difference. When men see value in a woman, they like to think that the woman digs him not because she’s easy and digs everyone, but, because she’s special and very selective. How much can a person find out about a person in three days? Not much. If you have sex with a man that soon, he’s not thinking, “Yeah, she gave up those drawers because my mack game is so tight,” he’s thinking, “If she gave up her draws to me that easy, she prolly gives up her drawers to every dude that easy.” Like I said. It matters.
Another facet of the 90-day rule is it’s tendency to separate the real dudes from the bottom feeders. According to PJ, “If a guy is only interested in you for sex, it won’t matter if you wait 90 days or 270 days.” Let me tell you something. If a man is only interested in you for sex he’s not going to hang around for 270 days (or 9 months). Taking a woman out on dates can get pretty expensive; especially if you’re dating more than one woman at a time, which is what many men do. If you think a man who is only looking for sex is going to take you out for even more than 3 dates and you still haven’t put out, is going to prolong the process for 9 months, you have another thing coming. Trust me, from the first time a man has laid eyes on you, he’s already decided (as my friend Larry says) what your self-life is going to be. Sounds harsh but it’s true. While there are some men who feel the need to bed every single women they approach and they refuse to give in until the mission is accomplished, these men are few and far in between. I’ve told you time and time again, don’t bet against the odds, use the general rule as your guide, you get better results this way.
The other issue I take with PJ’s advice is this: “[I]f a guy is really feeling you, sex on day 3 or day 76 won’t change how he feels either.” This is true in only rare occasions. For the most part it’s not (see explanation above). When this occurs, it’s usually when the woman is either very attractive or she has an “x-factor” about herself that’s so overwhelmingly disarming that she makes a man come back for more. Given this, let me put one thing out there: of all my married girlfriends, I have two who put out really early. One put out on the first date and the other put out on the second date and both have now married (to the guys in question) for over five years and they each have three and four children respectively. I said that to say, It happens. But, it doesn’t happen enough for you to risk it. Again, if you hope to be successful, don’t go against the odds. As a matter of fact, if having sex with a man on the third date was actually something that’s been working for women, then why the hell do we keep asking the same question “When is a good time to have sex with a man?” over and over?
And last, my issue with PJ’s advice is this: for the most part, his advice to women is to not put too much stock in the 90-day rule because it doesn’t always work. I agree. But, if you’re gonna take something away from someone (like the belief that the 90-day rule works) you have to put something else in its place. Unlike men, women are pretty transparent in the first few months of a relationship. We talk too much and we wear our feelings on our sleeve. Men on the other hand are a lot more difficult to read. How can we really tell if a man likes us? The things that a man who wants to get in our jeans does, from our perspective, look a lot like the things a man who actually likes us do. In the very early stages of a relationship, it’s very hard to tell. Women have to have some type of mechanism in place to be able to separate the two. Many of us just can’t “Catch a vibe and ride the wave [and] do what [we] feel,” because we’ll more than likely fuck up. I don’t know about you, but I’m at the age where I can’t just leave all this relationship stuff up to chance. The older I get, I’m finding I’m becoming more and more clingy and sensitive and upset homicidal when the relationship doesn’t go well.
My Advice
There is a rule, not necessarily the 90-day rule, that women can employ to reduce their chances of being “took” in the sex department. It’s not fool-proof, but it’s much better than riding a wave.
I’ll give it to you on Monday since this post has already become longer than I anticipated.
to be continued….
Until later,
Update: Part II here
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