I try as much as possible to stay away from any kind of sentimentality because that’s not my style.  I am not a nice person.  (I am kind, but I am not nice).  I don’t smile for no reason, I only laugh when it’s funny, and I give when I can if I think you deserve it.  Nice people are suckers, fakes, and sycophants., in my opinion.  That’s not me.  Furthermore, it’s not my job to be nice to you, do your homework for you, or make you feel good about yourself.  If you need this, you’re going to have to call your mother for this.

However, despite my grouchy rant, I feel it necessary to be upfront about one thing:

It’s not you!

I need you to understand that, okay?  Please, I really need you to understand this.  There is nothing wrong with you, the way you are, or the way you look.  You are just fine.  Okay?  And I’m not trying to be nice to you.  I’m telling you the truth.

I am getting really sick and tired of reading, hearing, or seeing, books, blogs, articles, or tv shows with people trying to convince you that the reason for your single state is because of some inherent or self-imposed flaw in you, your appearance, or your character.

The media has built a culture, even a small economy around making you believe that there’s something wrong with you, that the reason you didn’t get the job, or the house, or the car, or the the guy, was because you did something wrong, or you weren’t good enough, or this or that.  It’s a gradual but very powerful form of hypnosis and it’s very unfortunate.  The media tells us what to think, what to believe, what to want, what to buy, what to say, even who to love.  They tell us that the reason we’re unhappy is because we don’t conform to a certain look, certain values, or a certain way to behave, and if we just conform, then we’ll be happier, wealthier, more attractive, etc etc etc.  Don’t buy it!  The truth of the matter is this:  those who fit squarely into the cookie cutter look or way of life are no more happier than anyone else.

If you are single, the worst thing, if anything you’re probably guilty of is not understanding the game.  Dating is a game, a competitive sport and it involves risk.  And even though there are rules, the game is rigged.  There are no clear winners or losers.  Sometimes losers win and winners lose and sometimes the reverse happens.  That’s life.  While there are things that you can do to improve your chances of positive experiences and things you can do to reduce your chances of negative experiences, there is nothing any one person can do to singlehandedly change their entire experience.  The rules and the rigs are structurally built into the game, the rules and rigs are here to stay, they’re not going anywhere.  Why?  Because rejection is a natural part of life.  At the end of the day, you fix what you can fix (if anything needs fixin’), accept the things you can’t, and make the best of the rest.  Stop buying into the idea that you did something wrong or that something is wrong with you.  It’s not!

I came across a young lady’s video today, which lead me to the blog, which lead me to the book, “Maybe It’s You, Stop Wondering Why You’re Single Girlfriend and Read This Book.” OMG.  Ok.  Really?  Stop the madness!

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all about introspection and self- improvement and blah blah blah, but that’s a very personal journey and it’s one you (and your intended) are going to be on forever.  There is no magic to dating.  Guys and gals like who they like and that’s it.  Yes, some guys like some gals more than they do others and vice versa but whatever that thing is that’s the determining factor for that person is a thing you either got or don’t got.  All the introspection, self-effacing, and self-improvement in the world is not going to change that.  No one is perfect, not even the man you’re chasing after (by the way, you do know that if you chase after anything, the natural response for the thing to do is to run, right?).  If you have time to waste, please read the Table of Contents of this woman’s book (if you can get through the whole thing without slitting your wrist) and tell me what you think.

BASICALLY, MAYBE IT’S YOU…

• 1. Maybe you don’t listen
  2. Maybe you don’t know what you want
  3. Maybe you want to be single and are in denial about it
  4. Maybe you’re a control freak
  5. Maybe you think you don’t need a man
  6. Maybe you haven’t redefined gender roles
  7. Maybe you live in NY or LA
  8. Maybe you don’t set or stick to standards
  9. Maybe you’re selfish
  10. Maybe you don’t think you’re fabulous

• IF YOU’RE NOT MEETING ANYONE, MAYBE IT’S YOU…

• 1. Maybe you’re fat
  2. Maybe you don’t exercise
  3. Maybe you’re overly pessimistic
  4. Maybe you’re unhappy
  5. Maybe you get wrapped up in the ideal of what you’re supposed to want
  6. Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
  7. Maybe you only date one persona at a time
  8. Maybe you don’t put equal focus on finding someone as you have on your career and education
  9. Maybe you think your career will keep you satisfied
  10. Maybe you put too much focus on spending time with your girlfriends
  11. Maybe you don’t spend enough time with you platonic male friends

• IF YOU’RE NOT DATING ANYONE, MAYBE IT’S YOU…

• 1. Maybe you think all men are dogs
  2. May you think all dogs are men
  3. Maybe you are focused on the wrong qualities in a man
  4. Maybe you keep picking men who want to be single (and will tell you if you ask)
  5. Maybe you don’t take the right guy seriously
  6. Maybe you cant get the sex thing right
  7. Maybe you are trying to “take things slow”
  8. Maybe you’re playing hard to get
  9. Maybe you’re too demanding
  10. Maybe you think ignorance is bliss
  11. Maybe you don’t say what you want, think, or feel
  12. Maybe you spend time nagging and complaining
  13. Maybe you’re carrying baggage from old relationships

• IF YOU’RE NOT MARRIED YET, MAYBE IT’S YOU…

• 1. Maybe you aren’t your own person
  2. Maybe you’re lazy
  3. Maybe you don’t cook
  4. Maybe you don’t clean
  5. Maybe you co-habitate
  6. Maybe you are focusing on the relationship you want, rather than the person you’re with
  7. Maybe the men you’re dating are too young
  8. Maybe you think that you can change a man
  9. Maybe you stay in bad relationships too long
  10. Maybe you’re sexually uptight
  11. Maybe you take advice from single women
  12. Maybe you share intimate details about your guy to friends and family
  13. Maybe your finances are a disaster

• IF YOU’RE ESSENTIALLY PERFECT, MAYBE IT’S HIM…

• EXTRA THOUGHTS:  A WORD ABOUT…

• 1. Desperation
  2. Too much criticism
  3. Standards v. objective criteria
  4. Online dating
  5. Oral sex
  6. The “representative”
  7. Personal space
  8. The way you ask questions

• Guide for Girlfriends

• 1. When to have a friend-tervention
  2. How to have a pity less party
  3. Further reading and recommended book
• 

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Tags: books, dating, i'm a grouch, maybe it's you, media, nikki nokes, rejection, self-esteem