Suspectuals!!!!
“Sometimes it’s just better to cheat.”–fsg
No, really.
I believe in this wholeheartedly.
(Obviously, it’s my own damn quote.)
I consider myself a person with some very unconventional beliefs about life, love, and the world and I am not ashamed of any of them (you’re welcome). However, sometimes after I’ve decided to go against the grain and actually explore something different, I begin to realize why the traditional way has survived tradition—because it works! I’ve learned that even if the traditional way is only slightly better than the alternative, it’s still the better way to go. To me, at least.
While overall, the term “marriage” may have a very broad definition varying from person to person, couple to couple, when it comes to defining marriage, I’m sure there are certain elements about this age old institution that we can all agree upon. For instance most of us can agree that a marriage is the union between two individuals.* In addition, most of us can probably agree that a healthy marriage requires love, shared goals, commitment, communication, respect, intimacy, and trust. One essential element of marriage, which, when asked to define it, we often forget to mention, is monogamy. This happens precisely for one reason and one reason alone—because monogamy is implied.
While some may beg to differ, I believe that the essence of a marriage is its exclusivity. Because isn’t the purpose of committing to one person to exclude all others? Otherwise, what would be the point? If you wanted to continue to date other people, whether casually or seriously, why not just remain single? If you’re married and you’re still dating, what you have is not a marriage, you have a “I-like-to-date-and-fuck-other-people-that-i-like-too-but-i-live-with-you-because-i-like-you-the-most” arrangement. Marriage requires sacrifice and maturity and mature people who are willing to sacrifice accept that in order to gain something (ex. a life partner), you have to give up something else (ex. sleeping with other people). I could be totally off-base here (highly unlikely), but that’s just how I see it.
There’s an old proverb that goes:
No growth without assistance.
No action without reaction.
No desire without restraint.
Now give yourself up and find yourself again.
Okay, that’s actually a direct quote from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but I’m sure Confucius or some other wise Chinese dude said it first. Anyhow, you get the point.
(Please watch this clip)
(WTF? Liars!!!!!! Yeah, i said it!!!!)
Open Relationships
Polyamorous relationships, more commonly referred to as “open relationships”, are relationships in which both parties/spouses have agreed that extramarital sex or sex with individuals outside the relationship does not constitute cheating and is not violative of the marriage, or primary relationship. While it was popular in the seventies within certain circles (Martha Stewart had one, can you believe it?), it became outdated and the overwhelming majority of couples in marriages went back to traditional marriages. While it seems to be gaining more and more popularity these days, it’s probably more likely that now that all types of unconventional relationships are becoming more socially acceptable, people are just more open about it today then they’ve been in the past.
Before I get into my opinion about open relationships, let me say this: I don’t give a shit about what two people do in the privacy of their bedrooms. As long as no animals are harmed and no minors are violated, if the people involved in a sexual relationship are mentally stable, consenting adults, why should what they do be anybody’s business but their own? Now that I’ve said that, let me say this: when it comes to open relationships, don’t try this at home. I they’re a bad idea and they don’t work.
I’m not saying that they never work or that they can’t work, because I’m sure some do. Being the type of woman who likes to bet with the house and not against the house, I’d advise anyone who wants to keep their relationship intact against these types of relationships.
Here’s why:
One of the major components of love is attachment. Evolutionary psychologists believe (and for once I actually agree) that love/attachment is an emotion human beings evolved to encourage pair-bonds and long-term mating. Evolutionarily speaking, it’s long-term mating is believed to be better for the species than several short-term mating episodes. Having that in mind, don’t be surprised that the flip side of that thing called love is a thing called jealousy. It’s believed that we evolved is the emotion to discourage us from breaking our pair-bonds and deserting our long-term mates or our long-term mates deserting us. Jealousy is defined as the negative thoughts and/or feelings of fear, uncertainty, insecurity, and/or anxiety over an anticipated loss of something or someone that the person values. It’s often expressed as one or a combination of emotions such as anger, sadness, and disgust. Just as love causes a chemical reaction in the body which can positively influence that person’s mental and physical state, likewise, jealousy can cause a negative chemical reaction and cause the person to suffer both mentally and/or physically; sometimes to the point where the person can become physically ill or to where they can cause harm to themselves or others.**
Implicit in the aforementioned is this: love and jealousy are two sides of the same coin; they come in a pair; you don’t get one without the other. Hence, since love is a natural, healthy emotion, jealousy too is considered a natural and healthy emotion. However, just like anything else in life, jealousy is only positive when it’s controlled and exists in moderation. It can be destructive when the fear of loss is an irrational one, or when it interferes with the person’s ability to function normally, or when a person becomes a danger to himself or others.
So it begs the question: since jealousy isn’t logical but rather emotional, when you love a person, can you rationalize away your feelings of jealousy? I’m no expert, but I’m not inclined to believe not. While I’m quite sure it’s possible, I have a hard time believing that people can exist in any type of relationship where they are constantly expected to share and be shared by their loved one.
Many experts agree that open marriages are breeding grounds for resentment, competitiveness, jealousy, insecurity, scattered affections, and betrayal, all the things which have the potential to severely and negatively impact a relationship.
So why the hell do people engage in them?
Like I said before, I’m no expert in open relationships, but I have a strong feeling that many people agree to them because they feel pressured by the spouse who’s grown tired of the monotony of sexual monogamy and wants to explore sex with other people. (Remember what I said about sacrifice?) The non-exploring spouse agrees to it in order to make the other person happy. Also, I think that for some people, open marriages are a response to monogamy and people’s increasing disillusionment with the concept (I have to admit also that I too have a hard time with the idea of having sex with only one person for the remainder of my life [it actually gives me nightmares]). Anyone who has been monogamous with anyone for an extended period of time knows that the routine and drudgery of domesticity and the stress of everyday life can sap a relationship of its passion and excitement. So I get it, the concept of open marriage makes complete sense. (But is it practical?) Last, I think that some people who engage in polyamorous relationships are in a relationship where either one or both are bisexual or they have a true sexual identity is different from the one characterized by the primary relationship. These people tend to find monogamy limiting because they don’t get to explore the full range of their sexuality. For example, Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith*** have long been rumored to be both bisexuals. They haven’t only admitted to having an open relationship, they proudly boast about it.
>>Listen to Jada Pinkett-Smith discuss her
marriage with Will Smith here<<
Which brings me to my next question.
In what scenarios does the open relationship concept actually work?
It is apparent (to me at least) that the Smiths’ relationship has a very solid foundation. They seem to be not only very good friends, they also treat their relationship like a true and equal partnership. They are parent s committed to raising their three children together and they are also business partners who have shared goals. More importantly, they have a strong interest remaining together, regardless of what challenges may come their way. Jada Pinkett-Smith has said in numerous interviews that for her and Will, divorce is not an option. A relationship that has a strong foundation such as this and where the partners have an unyielding commitment to one another is the only type of relationship that I personally believe can withstand an open marriage.
As for me, I’d rather cheat or be cheated on.
How is cheating better than an open marriage?
Because what you don’t know can’t hurt you.
I know this may sound over simplistic and crazy even, but, when as little as 20% and as many as 80% of men and women admit to having had an extra marital affair during the course of their marriage, I believe that many people, myself included, believe that long-term monogamy is silly and unreasonable. (Notice, I didn’t say impossible? I said unreasonable.) Monogamy might be good in theory, but just as I asked about open relationships, is it practical? Let’s be honest, having sex with the same person time after time after five, six, seven, eight years, in every way imaginable, gets boring. When you’ve known someone for a very long time, you become acquainted with every single facet of that person’s personality, including the bad stuff. You even become numb to their touch. This takes a lot of the excitement and enjoyment out of sex. While, there’s something very sexy and reassuring about being completely comfortable with a person you know inside and out, there’s also something very interesting and stimulating about having sex with a person you don’t know very well and who’s preserved an air of mystery about themselves. This feeling evokes a little uncertainty in you and it can be very attractive. How do you tell your spouse that you’ve been having feelings for someone else? That’s an easy one: you don’t. I don’t care what anyone says, a normal person who is emotionally invested in a relationship feels and astonishing amount of hurt and betrayal if you expressed your sexual desires for someone else to them. And if the shoe was on the other foot, you’d feel hurt and betrayed too. Remember jealousy? It’s a natural emotion.
If you’re good at it, I’d much rather prefer that you cheat than to create the kind of drama that will ensue if you expressed those feelings. Feelings of guilt, inadequacy, mistrust, fear, and dissatisfaction, are a recipe for disaster. Whoever said that partners should share every single one of their thoughts and feelings with one another was a stone cold fool. While you two may be considered a single entity for the purposes of joint income taxes and rsvps to lavish dinners, you are two are still very separate and distinct individuals who each deserve a little space and privacy to have one’s thoughts and feeling. You don’t need to (in fact you shouldn’t) share every single thought or feeling that comes across your mind. Anyone who does or claims to is a fool or a liar. It’s not a good idea and if you’ve tried a completely open emotional relationship in the past, you know I’m telling the truth. Even these people in these so-called open marriages still bend the rules of their arrangement without their partner’s knowledge. Hey, we’re all opportunists at heart. Whenever an opportunity to do a little more or take a little more presents itself, nine times out of ten, we’ll do it /take it.
Now, if you’re a non-monogamist (like me) and you can successfully have your sexual urges satisfied with someone else without getting too (emotionally) carried away with someone else, I say go for it. But, only after you’ve made a very thoughtful assessment of what you’ll be gaining and what you’ll be losing. If you get busted cheating (which has only happened to me once) you are going to be in for more than just an emotional roller with your partner. There are so many drawbacks to cheating that I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone unless that person knows for certain that they can totally get away with it. The two most important things to be sure of is safety and discretion. Anyone who would be reckless enough to bring scandal or disease to their spouse (and family) is not only selfish (yes, cheating is selfish), they’re cruel. Like I said before, marriage involves sacrifice. If the cons of the sexual tryst you want to have greatly outweighs the pros, then you my friend are going to have to sit that one out–or come up with another plan.
Also, many people know this, but few people will admit to it: cheating keeps marriages together. I know, that sounds extremely crazy, but it’s extremely true. Of course, this only refers to cheating where the cheater hasn’t been busted. If a person in a marriage is feeling undesired sexually, or they’re constantly being denied sex, they are better off cheating and keeping their marriage intact than leaving their spouse just so the can have that one need met. I know, cheating involves deception and selfishness and blah, blah, blah. But, when you balance the two–staying vs. leaving–it’s better to stay; especially if the relationship is good in every other way.
After all that, I hope you can see why I would come away with the belief that it’s (even slightly) better to cheat. I personally feel that this approach is better than both parties being honest and giving each other permission to see / date other people.
When two people in a relationship are seeing other people, it can be a real mess. Scheduling conflicts arise (i.e., my girlfriend wants to go to the movies this weekend but my wife wants to spend quality time) and the spouses’ attention and affections are divided. I think it’s very naive to believe that you successfully balance your time with everyone if you’re emotionally invested in more than one person. Relationships need maintenance and they require time and attention. When you are dealing with more than one person, it’s extremely difficult to constantly and effectively provide for one sexually and emotionally without the other feeling neglected. It’s simply too much work. (Cheaters are more prone to compartmentalize mentally and emotionally between their partners). In open relationships, the primary relationship becomes threatened because it’s too hard to maintain more than on relationship at a time. If you want my advice, I say cheat. However, if you do decide to cheat and you get caught, you’re on your own, friend. I can’t help you. Why? Because you shouldn’t be cheating in the first place and if you’re stupid and messy enough to get caught, it’s your problem, not mine. (I’m actually pretty good at cheating. I’ve had many opportunities to practice.)
At this point, you’re thinking, wow this is a lot. Too much, even.
And I’m telling you, yes. Yes, it is. No one said relationships were easy.
If you’ve been keeping score, you know that: (a) committed relationships require sacrifice, (b) sacrifice means monogamy, (c) monogamy sucks, (d) jealousy sucks more, (e) open relationships can be messy, (f) cheating can be messy too…so, hmmmm, what’s another alternative?
This brings us to swinging.
Swinging
If you’re not skillful enough to cheat and your relationship can’t stand to bear the weight of an open relationship, there’s always swinging. Personally, it’s not my cup of tea, but if you crave sexual variety in your life and you don’t want to cheat, leave, or “open” up, it’s an option.
I don’t claim to be an expert in this area because I’ve never tried it, but I have been in an open relationship before (three years) and the way I understand it, there are some fundamental differences between the two. First, the swinging lifestyle is far more organized than open relationships. Oftentimes, swingers are a group of “friends” who swap partners or they are a group of strangers who join a club or an organization whose objective is arranging partner-swaping events and group sex encounters. While what constitutes “swinging” varies from couple to couple, as I understand it, swingers are less prone to make an emotional investment with other swingers. The swinging lifestyle is primarily sex-based. Because the dynamics of these “arrangements” are such that both partners tend to be present during all sexual encounters, the psychological impact on the partners and the relationship is much different. It’s not as messy as open relationships are. Swingers are said to be more likely to report satisfaction with these arrangement than do people in open relationships. I suppose they work (more) because they’re a cross between strict monogamy and open relationships. Each party is emotionally committed to the relationship and they’re uninterested in an emotional relationship outside the marriage. They each, however, have their sexual needs met by their partner and individuals outside the relationship. Similar to open marriages that work, I believe that swinging relationships only work when the primary relationship has a solid and stable foundation. Otherwise, I wouldn’t suggest that anyone attempt it.
So there you have it–traditional arrangements vs. alternative arrangements. At the end of the day, it is obvious that every relationship is different and all the tiny, little intimate contours of a relationship should only be determined by two people–the two people in the relationship. However, I would say that in general, it’s important to look at the success rate of these different types of relationships and to examine yourself, your partner, and the dynamics of your relationship to determine what’s right for you. While unconventional relationships are just that–unconventional–it’s really nobody’s business what you do in the privacy of your bedroom. It’s never a good idea to allow society to determine what’s right for you personally. However, keep in mind that when something is unpopular, it’s probably for a reason. While some have succeeded, many have tried and failed miserably at open relationships. I, for one, have tried it and I personally wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I’m a self-avowed non-monogamist and not ashamed of it. I understand how hard monogamy can be but I also recognize how jealous I can be. I’d much prefer a partner who, if he felt the need to cheat, did so kindly and discreetly. Why? Simple. Because if I discovered that my partner slept with or began an emotional affair with someone else, I’d totally lose it; because that’s the nature of emotion–irrationality. Over the years, I’ve learned a few ways to maximize harmony in my relationships and thoughtful, discreet unfaithfulness is one of them. That’s why my personal relationship mantra is this: if you didn’t see it, it didn’t happen. I strongly recommend it.
You’re welcome and Until next time,
__________________________________
* I do not subscribe to the notion that marriage is limited to heterosexuals and therefore strictly defined as “the union between one man and one woman.” I am all for gay marriage and if anybody has a problem with it let me know. Thanks!
** In some instances, it can even be positive. It enhances mate retention, sexual arousal, and etc. See the benefits of jealousy here ; here ; and here.
***Ossie Davis and Ruby Dee also admitted to having had an open relationship earlier on in their career but later they said: “It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extra-marital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it–that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished–as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease.” She said, “But we both came to realize that we were very fortunate that, in all of the deep profound, fundamental ways, we really, really only wanted each other. It was like a rediscovery of something from the beginning.”
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