A few entries ago, I gave you all my honest, no holds barred, opinion regarding Open Relationships. Well now, I’m back with another example of a stupid relationship idea—the Long Distance Relationship.
Whether it was invented by a man to avoid all kinds of hard work required to sustain a real relationship OR by a woman in denial that her relationship was over the moment her man bought himself one-way plane ticket to “Somewhere Damn Else,” the long distance relationship is a terrible idea and I’ll explain why shortly.
First of all, there are only two instances in which long distance relationships work or make any sense. The other instances are rare; so rare, that I they’re only reserved for the truly “relationship resilient” of us and I can tell you now: you are not this person. That’s not an insult, my lovely, that’s a compliment. You see, it’s not that you can’t be this person, it’s just that you are too good to be this person. Why settle for this kind of relationship when you deserve so much more? (<–that was my shallow attempt at sentimentality; how did I do, girls?).
Here are the only two instances in which a long distance relationship, in my opinion, has any chance of success:
1) When the people involved have already been in a relationship for some time and became separated only after they’ve built a solid relationship foundation.
2) When the people involved initially started out apart, but planned to close the distance (a) soon and (b) within a definite amount of time (i.e. they both know that the distance will be closed in at least six-months to a year).
Aside from the aforementioned, I wouldn’t suggest that anyone embark on a long distance relationship.
Why?
Because guys who are ok with and eager to agree to long distance relationships are more than likely the kinds of guys you don’t want. They’re usually (1) cheaters, (2) players with a lot of frequent flier miles, or (3) commitmentphobes. These are guys::
(a) who already have girlfriends in their zip code and are simply looking for a little “extra” and that “extra” is far away enough to not to disrupt their home relationship;
(b) who travel a lot because they can get no or relatively low commitment relationships and sexual variety from a different girl in every city;
(c) who are afraid of commitment and are not vulnerable or likable enough to be in a genuine committed relationship.
Ladies, any man you’ve never met before who wants to be in a long distance relationship with you is probably one of these three types and I strongly advise against it. It’s a recipe for disaster, trust me. This guy has an agenda far different from yours. He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, he’s just having fun. So don’t fall for it, okay? Do yourself a favor and stick to the guys who are local. You’ll thank me later.
Why long distance relationships are a bad idea:
There are five very basic elements that every relationship, if you want it to succeed, needs. They are what I like to call “The Secret,” which, spelled phonetically, looks like this. C.-C.R.I.T.
C-CRIT is a very clever acronym for:
1) commitment
2) communication
3) respect
4) intimacy
5) trust
These elements are essential to any good relationship and if you don’t have them you might as well hang up your gloves now and forget it. While I admit that love is a very powerful and transformative force, love alone is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. You can have a relationship with the SECRET and not Love; but you can’t have a relationship with Love and not the SECRET. Trying to get a relationship to work without commitment, communication, respect, intimacy, and trust, will get you nothing but frustration with disappointment on top. You must have the SECRET and all of it’s components. No ifs, ands, or buts. Don’t ask me why. I don’t make the rules, I just explain them. Now, while a careful and in-depth explanation of the SECRET would probably be useful here, I’m going to save the energy and focus on the topic at hand–long distances.
Intimacy, or element four, isn’t just about the physical (sex, affection, and physical closeness), it’s also about the non-physical (familiarity, emotional closeness, and the exchange of private thoughts). If the purpose of entering into a committed relationship is to reduce the emotional distance we keep between ourselves and others, isn’t it fair to say that adding physical distance would be antithetical to carrying on a relationship? Reducing proximity reduces intimacy and reducing (or eliminating) intimacy places a considerable strain on the partners and the relationship as a whole.
While the non-physical intimacy is just as important as the physical intimacy, the importance of physical intimacy can neither be denied nor substituted. Physical intimacy plays a huge role in bonding and maintaining physical chemistry. Also, physical togetherness that’s continuous and not punctuated by frequent periods of separation can also help to strengthen non-physical intimacy and improve the relationship as a whole.
BULLSHIT!!!!
There are a variety of ways in which distance can harm a relationship. They are as follows:
1) The inclination to cheat in order to simulate the physical affection that one misses with his/her mate can pose a threat to the relationship. Sure, a person can live with you and cheat right under your nose. However, distance creates opportunity, and opportunity makes cheating an even more attractive option.
2) When partners are not physically together and don’t see one another on a consistent basis, they are able to conceal those peculiar and annoying portions of their personality; knowledge of which may be crucial to the other partner and only apparent upon careful examination and constant exposure.
3) People who are separated by distance, often have the luxury of reserving the best parts of themselves and suppressing the worst, thereby avoiding fights and disagreements. However, the true test of a relationship is not how the couple relates to one another during times of calm, but how they relate during times of distress.
4) While mobile phones, email, Facebook, and text messages have all facilitated long distance communication, communication is not limited to verbal expression, it includes body language and facial expression. When there’s a lack of proximity, these types of expression are lost.
5) Constantly scheduling visits and time together takes away the spontaneity every healthy relationship needs and can reduce the relationship to a series of perfunctory interactions limited in time and space.
6) When the couple is separated for an indefinite amount of time, neither sure of when the distance will be permanently eliminated, it breeds hopelessness which breeds indifference which can eventually breed contempt. Once the partners become indifferent to one another and the prospect of a having a full relationship, they become less and less likely to put in the required effort to keep the relationship afloat. Eventually, the incentive to be nice to one another dissipates and they each begin to, subconsciously, punish each other for the other’s misery.
(indefiniteness –> hopelessness –> indifference –> contempt)
In the end, while long distance relationships can work, the amount of work required is more than any person wants to or should have to do. If the couple knows they won’t be getting together permanently anytime soon, both would be better off expending their time and energy on someone more local. Wanting to be near your partner doesn’t make you weak, emotionally needy, or immature, it makes you human. If the person can’t reasonably assure you a proximate relationship anytime soon, just agree to see other people until you can. Indefinite absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, it makes the heart grow bitter and frustrated. Trust me, just say no to the long distance relationship.
(More long distance music??? Two of my faves: In the Morning & Time After Time)
Until Next Time,
Ciao!!!
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