Any given day of the week, a handful of facebook friends–usually women, always single–will publish a status update declaring to the world how  smart, beautiful, and wonderful they are.  Nothing wrong with that, I suppose, but  every time  I read public self-affirmations, I can’t help but wonder if they’re intended to serve a dual function–(1) to convince others AND (2) themselves that they worthy of love. I hate to brag but I have some pretty awesome facebook friends.  If they are “friends” of mine, they are definitely worthy of love.  But I must admit that I do wonder:   if you know it, then there’s no need to say it, right?  But that’s just me.

Now, whenever see “I never settle!”, or any variation of “I’m picky!” or “I’m choosy!” or “I have high standards!” which all seem to be getting a lot of mileage these days, that’s a whole other issue for me.  In my opinion, there’s a cloud of falseness and pretentiousness around it.  I think it’s deceptive and truly deserves to go down in the annals of lies single people tell (themselves).

But then again, can you blame them?  Every time you turn around, someone spouting off some fake empowerment bullshit like “you can have whatever you want”, “don’t settle for less”, “never accept less than you deserve”, and I we buy into it–hook, line, and sinker.  Problem is, it’s not only impractical, it’s bad advice.

Sorry to be the one to break the bad news but,

you are going to settle!

Not only will you settle in the future, you’re settling now.

peep this before I go on::

This is a clip from an old episode of Oprah  featuring Steve Harvey selling his book “Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man.” I saw the episode when it aired originally, I remember thinking wow, something ‘s not quite right about this.  But at the time, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it adequately enough to address it.  So I sat on it.  Now,  that I’ve come to see the bigger picture of this whole dating thing, it’s all so clear to me now.

ridiculously high standards = i’m picky = i’m choosy = i never settle = bullshit

Let me tell you something:  I don’t care who you are.  If you are:

• a woman,
• who is single,
• who wants to be in a relationship, and
• you have standards, and
• you are not brain dead, suffering from mental disease or a personality disorder,  and
• you say, “I never settle” regularly,

You’re in denial.

Yes, you will settle.

You settle everyday!

As you go about your daily doings, comings, and goings, you always settle for one thing or another.  According to Merriam-Webster, to settle for means: to be content with.  Also, to settle is to “accept less.”

Again, I don’t care who you are, in no way, shape, or form are you getting exactly what you want, need, or feel you deserve, when and how you want it, every single time.  That doesn’t happen.  And I don’t care if you talk circles around it, rephrase it, reword it, or “look at it from another perspective,” the fact will remain the same—everyone settles.

If you are single and you’d rather be in a relationship, you are settling.  Regardless of how happy and content you are single, if you desire to be in a relationship right now, but for some reason or another, you choose  to not be in one, you’re settling.  You’re probably single because you haven’t met a suitable partner yet, and sure, being single beats being in a relationship with an unsuitable partner, but if being in a relationship is what you want but aren’t getting, it’s settling.  Like I said, everyone settles, and guess what.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

As long as you’re engaged with another human being, an entity, or living thing, you’re going to have to compromise.  This is what settling entails.  The word “settle” has become so bastardized that within the dating lexicon, it’s practically blasphemous.  Especially to young, smart, beautiful women who are bursting at the seams with confidence.  The good news is: you are smart, beautiful, and confident.  The bad news is:  you have all these great qualities and it’s hard for you to reconcile this with the fact that you are single.  I mean look at you.  You’re great.  A man should be banging down your door for a chance to date you.  He should be on his knees begging for your hand in marriage.  But, unfortunately, he’s are not.  And when he is, he’s not the one you envisioned.

What gives?

That’s exactly it.  Nothing gives.  It just is.

This is why I have a problem with Steve Harvey and other dating “experts” who tend to suggest that the reason why single women are single is because of something they’re doing or not doing.  I go through great pains on this blog to convey a very important message to single women everywhere::  you’re not doing anything wrong.

There is nothing wrong with you!

Too often, we are made to believe that we are single because

• we’re emitting bad vibes and negative energy,or
• we haven’t “attracted” or properly “manifested” a mate via the law of attraction,or
• we’ve fallen out of favor with the creator because we’re not faithful enough, praying enough, or doing enough good deeds,

and none of it is true.

As women, we not only have a tendency to internalize our external circumstances and blame ourselves for our predicament, we are also extremely vulnerable to outside influences intent on convincing us that if we are single (past a certain age), we must be defective in some way.

(No one is perfect.  You are going to settle.)

While conducting research for my book, I happened upon an interesting article about how sex ratio affects mate preferences and dating strategies in both sexes.  According to this study in the European Journal of Social Psychology, when women outnumber men in a given population, there will be  shift in dating strategies.  Men will raise their standards for long-term mates but lower their standards for short-term mates in order to acquire as many sex partners as possible, and in response, women will raise their standards for long-term mates to avoid being used or exploited by men seeking short-term sexual encounters.  While the study may have its flaws, overall, the case they make for the impact that a male-shortage has on dating strategies is quite convincing.  As a single  (black) woman with many single (black) friends, I witness and experience this phenomenon daily.

It’s hardly a secret that successful black women have been experiencing a marriage crisis because of the shortage of black men who are on par professionally, academically, and financially.  You probably hear successful black women proclaiming “I never settle” the loudest and the hardest because we’re the ones hardest hit by the male-shortage phenomenon.

Not black?

Well, not so fast.

A few articles back, I discussed the impact that the economy,  the job market, the women’s movement, and other social changes have had on our society–in particular, men, marriage, and dating.  While women who belong to other ethnic groups may have more men at their disposal because there are more men who are physically available to them and more who are professionally, academically, financially,  and  on par,  the vast majority of  these men are not emotionally mature enough or emotionally available for committed relationships.   And judging from the overall decline in marriage among all groups, it’s clear that to some degree, the man-shortage phenomenon is  a universal one.  Hence,  regardless of race, no single woman (who wants to be in a relationship) is immune from being tempted to resort to the “I never settle” excuse.

So while the study is quite  illuminating and does raise some very valid points, I wonder are our standards really that high? Are we really single because we’re all too picky?

Yeah, I’m not convinced.

I mean, how picky can you really be if men aren’t even asking you out?

You see, that’s what’s really going on here.  We’re not single because we’re too picky, we’re single because guys aren’t asking us out.  And when they do ask us out, it’s usually apparent to us early on that they’re not interested in anything serious or they’re not that into us, which in the end amounts to guys just aren’t asking us out.

Here are the Top Five Reasons (in order) Why Guys Aren’t Asking You Out:

• (1)   You don’t meet their beauty requirements; or
• (2)   Your life is arranged such that you rarely, if ever, meet men; or
• (3)   When you do meet men, none of the men you meet single/available/suitable to date; or
• (4)   When you do meet single/available/suitable  men, these men are quite content with being single and prefer it that way; or
• (5)   Luck and timing just hasn’t worked in your favor (yet!).

If it’s not already painfully obvious to you, you have little to no control over the things on this list.  Now, while you can do some things to remove or overcome some of the obstacles on this list, you cannot, singlehandedly, change your experience.  The universe has already been set in motion and many of our social mores, values, and standards have already been etched in stone.  Simply put, a great deal of this dating thing simply not within your control.  The moment you figure that out and accept it, the sooner you’ll feel less inclined to say, “I never settle.”  You do, and you will.  No use in denying it.

You see?

You‘re not single because you have high standards;

you have high standards because you’re single.

checklists are not real, they're props...

“I’m picky”, “I have high standards”, and “I never settle” are all narratives we’ve constructed in our heads to convince our friends and ourselves that we’re in control of this dating thing when we’re really not.    Whenever someone asks “Why are you still single?”  it’s a lot more convenient to say “I’m picky,” than to say, “I have no idea,” or “Guys just don’t ask me out.”

Each time you say, “I never settle,” you’re not only being dishonest, you’re also indirectly accepting blame or  assuming a burden of proof that’s not yours. There nothing wrong with you and you don’t have to convince anyone of this.   You just haven’t met the right person for you yet.  That’s all there is to it.  But, please believe that when you do, you WILL settle and there will be absolutely nothing wrong with it.

be kind to yourself!!!

More (here)!!!

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Tags: checklist, choosy, fear, i don't settle, lie, list, lori gottlieb, marriage, never settle, oprah, picky, requirements, settle for less, steve harvey, too