Question: I’m having a hard time determining if my fiance is “on the down low”. I don’t know if it’s because I read the book early in our relationship so I “find” the characteristics discussed in the book in him, or if it’s real.

Reply:: Thanks for your question.

This is not an uncommon concern for women, black women in particular.

In order to overcome this dilemma (i.e., your paranoia about your bf’s true sexual identity), you need to ask yourself, “do I love this person?” and “do I like this person?” and “does this person treat me well and make me happy?”  If the answer is no to at least one of these questions, you need to get rid of him regardless of if he’s DL or not.  You shouldn’t be in a relationship where you are not happy and not being treated well.

After you’ve figured that out, then you need to follow up with another question:  “What about this concerns me the most and what am I going to do about it?”  I suspect that most women in this position (I’ve been in this position more than once myself) are concerned primarily with these three things::

(1) Deception:: “My boyfriend is being dishonest about his true sexual identity and I don’t want to be with a person who could deceive me in this way.”

(2) Embarrassment::  “I would be ashamed and humiliated if anyone ever found out that I’m in love with a man who is gay or leading a double life.”

(3) HIV::  “Being consistently sexually active with a man on the DL poses a significant health risk for me.”

As you grapple with these three issues, keep a few things in mind.

(1) Men are almost always dishonest about one thing or another and you wouldn’t be the first woman in the entire universe who’s been deceived by a man.

(2) Similar to the rationalization above, give yourself a break!  You wouldn’t be the first woman to be humiliated by a man.  Unfortunately, trust is an indispensable component of any relationship.  At some point, we each have to let our guards down and trust the person with whom we hope to build a relationship.  Never (ever!) blame yourself for loving someone who led you believe one thing when the opposite was actually true.

(3) There are ways to protect yourself against contracting HIV and these are the same precautions you should be taking with a straight man anyway.

If you recall from “the book,”  (I’m assuming you’re referring to JL King’s first book), someone asked how do you know if your man is on the DL? and he replied, “If a man is really on the DL, you will never know.”  I agree.   Men who are highly invested in concealing their (true) sexual identity are very good at covering up their secret life. Trying to uncover this secret will be very difficult and it will only drive you insane.

My best advice is this:  if you love him, stay.  Relax.  And forget about all that DL mess.  However, always protect yourself during sex to avoid contracting hiv (if he has hiv). Even if he’s straight, you need to always be aware of your partner’s status.  Also, get yourself and him tested for stds and hiv regularly.  Know that having an STD dramatically increases your risk of contracting hiv.  Anal sex as well.  Anal sex is the most efficient way to contract the virus (sexually).  If you can avoid anal sex completely, you should. However, if you must engage in anal sex, always always always use a condom. And never ever ever let him talk you into not using one.

In closing, remember, besides catching him in the act, there is no way you can ever really know if a man is on the DL.  There are no definite signs.  No use in mentally torturing yourself about something so out of your control.  Free yourself, relax, and protect yourself  during sex and you will be fine.

Also, you can read any (or all) of these entries regarding the subject @forsingle girls::

http://youreablackwoman.com/forsinglegirls/2010/07/12/sex-the-single-girl-part-i-anal-sex/

http://youreablackwoman.com/forsinglegirls/2010/10/10/safe-sex-hiv/

http://youreablackwoman.com/forsinglegirls/2010/07/12/reading-whatever-happened-to-aids-and-straight-men-by-kevin-gray/

http://youreablackwoman.com/forsinglegirls/2010/06/30/reading-aids-are-heterosexuals-at-risk-by-michael-fumento/

Hope it helps.

Ciao,

And remember to be always be kind to yourself–first!!!